Hi, everyone! It's Saturday Night in the Big Town! We're live at Caroline's Comedy Club, in the heart of Manhattan. I'm your host, Jennifer Rogers. Are you ready to play another round of STUMP THE STANDUP?
Many comedians have played Caroline's over the years: such luminaries as Judy Tenuta, Richard Lewis, Jerry Seinfeld, Richard Belzer, Jay Leno, Pee Wee Herman, Sandra Bernhardt, Billy Crystal, and many, many more.
Tonight, inspired by those greats, we'll play STUMP THE STANDUP with professional funnypersons! The comics you will meet are performing in Caroline's famous weekly All Star Showcase.
Use the Interact with Host button to send questions, comments, quips to our virtual stage (actually the glamorous offline Lounge downstairs at Caroline's). If the comic who's up cannot think of a quick comeback when your question appears on the screen for all to see, you may win an ABC ONLINE TEE SHIRT!
We'll take your questions just as quickly as they come in, and we pledge to get to as many as possible. Now let's put our hands together for tonight's first standup comic whose ad libs are quicker than a speeding bullet (or else you get that tee shirt...)! Here's......
MITCH FATEL!
JenRogers: Mitch is up and coming -- in the biz for 7 years.... just got a deal with Disney to do a sitcom yet to be developed. He did standup comedy when he was 15 years old! Says Mitch, sitting at my right elbow, "I can't do anything else!!!!"
JenRogers : Are you ready to play? Let's begin... Fire in the questions as fast a you can... If you see the words TEE SHIRT, pay attention! Here we go!! First question is...
Question: So this moose walks in to the bar and says...
MITCH FATEL: Is OJ guilty or innocent?
Question: What condiments do you use on yer hotdog?
MITCH FATEL: I just eat live rats...same ingredients!
Question: Some people say Mitch, you're a son of a ....
MITCH FATEL: I think this is the guy who used to beat me up in elementary school!
Question: So what gives at Carolines tonight? I can just see it now... a whole bunch of folks in a club and a guy onstage typing into a computer?
MITCH FATEL: Yes, and they're throwing tomatoes at me... one just hit the screen!
Question: Did OJ do it?
MITCH FATEL: Does a bear s**t in the woods?
Question: Are u gay?
MITCH FATEL: Are u asking?
Question: What is a fatel? a large hotel?
MITCH FATEL: Boooo!
Question: I shot a moose once.... Woody Allen
MITCH FATEL: Yeah, what's your point?
Question: What sparkling wine did Michael & Lisa Marie serve at their wedding reception?
MITCH FATEL: None. It was Hi-C --- for the kids
Question: What kind of bees give milk?
JenRogers: TEE SHIRT!!! EBF, send you real name and address
(along with proof of an answer) to JenRogers and we'll send you a tee shirt!
Question: Everday Hillary shaves her......
MITCH FATEL: No jokes... questions! I hate jokes. Please! I should think of another business. Ask me investment questions....
Question: Bob Dole walks into a room and Mitch asks is that a pen in your hand or...?
MITCH FATEL: did you just win a TEE SHIRT???
JenRogers: Cen11 send in real name and address via email to JenRogers (with proof of answer to question) and we will send you an ABC Online tee shirt!
MITCH FATEL: Great, I am doing better than Keanu!
JenRogers: (Keanu Reeves was scheduled to appear in an online auditorium earlier today, for MTV... did not show up on time.)
Question: So, Why are there locks on the doors of convenience stores that are open 24 hours a day?
MITCH FATEL: Steven Wright... don't even try it. Leave! I hate you!!
Question: What is in Scrapple?
MITCH FATEL: Same thing that's in hot dogs... rats.
Question: So it's a year after the trial, and OJ sees Martha Clark at a Barmitzva...
MITCH FATEL: and says "How do you like my new hairdo?"
Question: Cats are better than men because....?
MITCH FATEL:...they shed less.
JenRogers : LOL!
Question: What number was the last public bus you rode and who did you sit next to?
MITCH FATEL: I'm big enuf at this point that I get limoed everywhere... Ok, I drive a limo -- what's your point?
Question: DO YOU REALY HAVE A FAT "EL"
MITCH FATEL: Mom, I told you not to write in tonight!
Question: Why did the chicken not cross the road?
MITCH FATEL: If you were here, I'd punch you!
Question: Are you amphibious or just a tad comfortable in water?
MITCH FATEL: That question is somehow sick!
Question: Will OJ get off?
MITCH FATEL: Who's OJ?
Question: Did you see Cher do her bit in the woods?
MITCH FATEL: I am *married* to Cher.. don't get me mad... and that is a terrible rumor.
Question: Whats the quickest way to get this hair off my butt?
MITCH FATEL: Mom, *off*! ....Has Dad fed you yet?
Question: Are you a virgin?
MITCH FATEL: Are you offering? Yes, yes -- I am a gay virgin! And no heckling online -- I can't look you in the face...you worm.
Question: Ifatelephone rings & nobody hears it, did a tree fall?
MITCH FATEL: I'm sorry -- is this Jeopardy?
Question: Do you know how to make a West Virginian scream for joy?
MITCH FATEL: Yes -- tell him the salad bar is open an extra hour.
Question: What happens if you're traveling at the speed of light, in your car, at night, and you turn on your head lights???
MITCH FATEL: I suck at word problems.. that's why I became a comedian. Show all work.
Question: what happened to the Knicks ha ha ha!
MITCH FATEL: What happened is Woody Allen is our best shooter...
Question: What kind of comedy do you do?
MITCH FATEL: The kind that doesn't get laughs... have you been listening?
Question: What should I invest in this week??
MITCH FATEL: Not my career...LOL! Have you been listening?
Question: Should I buy Compaq now or hold off?
MITCH FATEL: Buy Disney! It's going to skyrocket once I get that sitcom. It's called Me & Marcia. Each week, an hysterical new episode about how we're going to get her a new hairdo...FLEEBAILEY plays our wacky neighbor..
Question: What are front end load bonds?
MITCH FATEL: Enough with the stupid investment questions.. I'm sorry I said it! I'm going nuts here! I'm still distraught ovetr the cancellation of Blossom.
Question: What does it say on the tee shirt?
MITCH FATEL: Free OJ!
JenRogers: LOL! It says ABC ONLINE. (Win one and you'll see!)
Question: Why do worms enjoy sex?
MITCH FATEL: I dunno.. lemme call my boss.
Question: What happened to Father Guido Sarduchi?
MITCH FATEL: Him and Joe Piscopo mow my lawn.
Question: What's a keanu?
MITCH FATEL: My hero. And my lunchbox.
Question: What do you call 100,000 Polish paratroupers?
MITCH FATEL: Madonna's date.
Question: Are you a transvestite?
MITCH FATEL: Yes, I am a gay, virginal transvestite...My mom? Proud is not the word!
Question: Mitch, which b*tch will you hitch when you get the itch?
MITCH FATEL: Mom, that's the *last* time! Or I'm not coming over!!
Question: Mitch, why do you think NBC is ditching AOL to go with Microsoft????
MITCH FATEL: Dunno. But *try* getting a tee shirt from them!
Question: How do we know what we are seeing is actually there?
MITCH FATEL: Everybody at once: the theme from the Twilight Zone!
doo doo do do doo doo do do
Question: Why are there Braille instructions on drive up ATMs?
MITCH FATEL: I have tonight's opening joke! I love you people!!
Question: How do you get Rosanne Arnold into a bikini?
MITCH FATEL: The same way you get Kate Moss to eat a hamburger.
Question: Where does tire tread go?
MITCH FATEL: To the lab to be tested.
Question: If it's illegal to drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy booze?
MITCH FATEL: I dunno - I just do crack.
Question: Do you still beat your wife?
MITCH FATEL: Are you confused? OJ is on tomorrow night!
Question: Is Richard Gere gay?
MITCH FATEL: I don't think so .. I'll ask him when I go home tonite.
Question: JenRogers, are you in cyberdrag this evening, appearing as Mitch Fatel?
MITCH FATEL: Yes, I am a gay virginal transvestite that dresses up as JenRogers. My mom is sooo proud!
Question: What do O.J., Buttafucco, and the Menendez Bros. have in common?
MITCH FATEL: They all dated my mom at one time!
Question: Who exactly are you?
MITCH FATEL: I've been asking myself that same question ever since
the accident
Question: Why ask why?
MITCH FATEL: I am online with a guy who uses beer ads for philosophy! Will the Silver Bullet ever slow you down?
-Nietschze
Question: What do Mitch and OJ have in common?
MITCH FATEL: We're both...single.
Question: What's Barney really wearing under that purple facade?
MITCH FATEL: I'll ask him when I go home tonite, when I'm thru with Richard.
Question: Are you being paid for this?
MITCH FATEL: I wish. I get a hot meal and I get to sleep here tonite. Yes, folks, you're online with the dishwasher!
Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and a carp?
MITCH FATEL: A carp doesn't smell that bad.
Question: Most embarrasing moment in bed?
MITCH FATEL: When Madonna caught me with Joey Buttafucco.
Question: Who was your greatest influence?? And do you like pie??
MITCH FATEL: Steve Martin and apple. (Coincidentally, the name of my new biography.)
Question: Have you ever met Helen Hunt?
MITCH FATEL: Met her? She's sitting on my lap right now!
JenRogers : MITCH FATEL HAS GONE ONSTAGE!
JenRogers : HERE'S SHANG...HE IS OUR NEXT STANDUP. KEEP THE QUSTIONS COMING!
JenRogers : YOU CAN SEE SHANG'S PHOTO BY GOING TO KEYWORD: FRIDAY and entering the AUDITORIUM. OR YOU CAN DOWNLOAD HIS PHOTO FROM THE GUEST SOUVENIRS LIBRARY -- KEYWORD: FRIDAY.
JenRogers: Our first question...
Question: Did your mom cheer when the doctor mistakenly slapped you in the face upon delivery?
SHANG: Yeah, and then she high-fived the doctors too, so....
Question: Who are you talking to, jen?
JenRogers: SHANG -- YOU HAVE SEEN HIM ON EVENING ON IMPROV, AND VENUES ALL OVER THE COUNTRY
Question: Why do the French love Jerry Lewis?
SHANG: Because they're retarded.
Question: Who's ( non-deceased) got the biggest ass in comedy?
SHANG: I gotta go with Arsenio Hall and Newt Gingrich... Newt's is right above his neck.
Question: What's yer sign, baby? Come on, you can tell me.
SHANG: Do me hard! It has two little figures...
Question: What's mean, brown and doesn't brush?
SHANG: OJ Simpson.
Question: Can God make a rock so big that even He could not move it?
